Let me start out with a disclaimer. I am aware that this "film" is not a complex work of art. This isn't something like "Inception" that requires my rapt attention, lest I lose track of the rich, multi-layered plot or miss out on a line of dialogue so skillfully crafted that my heart explodes. Everyone in the audience that night was there for the same reason: to watch people die in grotesquely violent, graphic and hopefully creative ways. (We got our wish!)
That said, the theater was not full. Our row as well as the rows above and below us had lots of empty seats and I was clearly there alone. Any observant person, (meaning, aware that other people DO in fact exist), may have deduced that I was there solo because I REALLY wanted to see this movie. Not because I just wandered in off the street and decided on a whim to pay $15.50 for a ticket to sit by myself and try to tolerate the likes of folks like you.
I don't know if this was your very first date and you were SUPER EXCITED TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER (OMG!), or perhaps you were both on some sort of psychotropic substance that made you hallucinate and think it was okay to act like an asshole. Either way, a whispered conversation that lasts an hour and a half is still audible enough to be disruptive. I must ask, because I'm DYING to know: why were you even there?
And why did the female in your party leave shortly before the pivotal opening scene on the suspension bridge to go to the snack bar? Have I already solved this mystery by determining that you really had no idea what you were going to see or how the "plot" of these movies works, and that's why you figured that paying thirty bucks for tickets alone was fine simply for a dark place to chat it up? You left just before the scene began and returned shortly after it was over. But DO NOT WORRY! It was awfully sweet of your friend/boyfriend/platonic whatever who was extremely awkward around you the entire night and thus could not shut up, to recount to you every single thing that had just happened in the 5+ minute, action-packed scene as soon as you sat back down. It was like re-living it all over again, only without enjoying it this time! If only the rest of the room could have been so lucky. Those poor sons of bitches, having to move on to the next scene WITHOUT your distracting, animated hand gestures and mediocre narration.
But that wasn't even my favorite part of my movie viewing experience with you two! That honor goes to the guy for the loudest handling of candy wrappers I have ever heard in my life. Not only for impressive volume, but unbelievable DURATION! Just how spastic CAN one be when eating candy? Scientists studying unusual human behavior would have a field day with this kid. We all have that regrettable, brief moment where opening a package of Skittles, M&Ms, etc. is piercing enough to call attention to oneself in the darkness. But most of us do not then spend the next hour roughly jamming our hand into the bag repeatedly as if attempting to pull the guts out of a pumpkin. Were the candy pieces trying to get away from you? Is THAT why you had to shake your appendage around so much? Were those bags actually made out of parchment paper covered in moistened Pop Rocks? The world will sadly never know. What I DO know is, I had an alternative method of eating that candy to offer up to you. It involved me shoveling handfuls of it down your throat with my fist.
The open-mouthed popcorn chomping? That was the icing on the cake, my friend. Props.
Listen, guys. I'm aware that I could have easily gotten up and moved to a different seat. However, why should I have to disturb the lovely middle-aged African American couple to my right who did not make a SOUND for the entire movie?
Perhaps next time you decide to go out to the cinema, you should stick with Netflix instead. That way, completely ignoring the movie you're watching will save you quite a bit of money AND there won't be a girl sitting two seats down plotting your slow, painful demise. Much like Death doesn't like to be cheated out of one of its victims, I do not like to be cheated out of a comfortable movie-going experience. I take back the brief moment in which I gave you props, Sir, for bearing a vague resemblance to Jesse Eisenberg. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.
Kisses,
- Stacy.
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