Movie Review: "The Cabin in the Woods"

I’ll start this one out by leveling with you: I did not hate this movie, but I’m one of the few people out there that didn’t love it. Truthfully, I went in with a little bit of a sour taste in my mouth because of an interview I read in Entertainment Weekly in which Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard essentially did the thing I hate most in this WORLD, which is call the “SAW” franchise “torture porn” and then proceed to say that they wanted to write something different and better. I can only assume they haven’t even bothered to watch every installment of the franchise, but more on that in another blog post that I’m working on that’s all about “SAW” and nothing else. Considering the fact that practically every horror fan I know had RAVED about this movie and told me I HAD to see it, I tried to watch it with an open mind despite my fangirl anger.

And really, it played out like any other horror movie would. I mean, I GET it. I understand why it’s supposedly clever and groundbreaking and why so many people love it. “This movie twists the horror genre around and exposes it!” etc. etc. Most people have said that it’s supposed to be a sort of love letter to the genre. My personal opinion, though, which I’m fully aware will not be popular, is a different one. I kind of got the impression that it was making fun of horror. As in, “Hey, look how stupid these movies actually are, that all you guys like so much.” Here’s WHY the main characters act so stupid, here’s why they eventually get what they deserve. We imagined an explanation and it’s funny, right?

The references to other classic horror movies are definitely there, like all the monsters listed on that board that COULD have been chosen. I’m not ruling out the possibility that the intentions here were good ones. And yes, the last twenty minutes or so were delightfully bloody. I did enjoy a couple of the death scenes specifically because they certainly aren’t something you’d see every day! But the overall reasoning behind what was happening just seemed a little too grandiose for me to the point of just being dumb. And the stoner was annoying. (Sorry, I know he’s everyone’s favorite.)

It was kinda cool to see Chris Helmsworth in a role other than Thor, even if there wasn’t much to the character. (Typical high school jock, etc.) Later in the movie when something unpleasant happened to him, it was kind of fun to shout “Loki’d!” at the screen. And Kristen Connolly was convincingly sympathetic and likable. But why did the slutty blonde character look like she was in her late 30s? (Was that the point/joke? Since she was so desperate to dye her hair? Just wondering.)

An English writer named Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch apparently once said in a literary speech to “Murder your darlings.” I think that Joss Whedon might secretly have this quote tattooed somewhere on his body, because none of his characters are safe, ever. I suppose no one’s really safe in a horror movie, but he has a definite, morbid track record with everything he’s done that I’ve seen. Kind of masochistic for someone who “detests torture porn” and thinks the horror genre has “devolved.” Just saying.

In conclusion, there were a few cool moments but this movie pats itself on the back WAY too hard. It’s not something I’d personally revisit again. 1 and 1/2 out of 5 Pints of Blood.

Movie Review: "Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead"

It’s rare that a horror sequel is decent. Rarer still that a direct to DVD movie that received no promotion whatsoever that also happens to be a horror sequel and has a ridiculous pun like “Dead Ahead” for a title is not only decent, but WAY BETTER than the first movie. Not just better, I’d say it blows the first one out of the water. Within the first five minutes you get a grizzly murder that makes one thing very clear: this flick is all sorts of fucked up.

Normally I wouldn’t bother with a direct-to-DVD sequel. I’d just assume it’s going to be terrible. But I caught this one on TV one day and was shocked by how brutal it was. The only tie to the plot of the first one is the trucker character antagonist. Is the acting great? Actually, it’s not bad. They didn’t get any big names for the teenagers (you don’t have to deal with Leelee Sobieski!), but they cast people that are convincing enough, manage not to be over the top, and actually do a decent job of winning you over and/or pissing you off when they’re supposed to. (One of the male characters is the typical obnoxious asshole that you hate right off the bat, but you actually feel REALLY bad for him near the end. An actor with less talent would not have been able to pull this off.)

This is NOT the same trucker from the first “Joy Ride.” I mean, it IS. It’s still “Rusty Nail.” They have a different actor playing him, (though you never really see his face and the voice is similar so you really don’t notice a continuity change.) But this version of the character is a much more worthy and intimidating foe. He is a sadistic douchebag who delights in murdering strangers. There’s none of that whiny, “But I wanted to talk to Candy Cane! You mean Paul Walker’s SPOT ON impression of a sexy lady wasn’t actually a sexy lady?!” stuff happening. And the writers at least gave Rusty a slightly better motive this time for going on a little killing spree. Maybe not FULLY justifiable for what he does, I mean he overreacts a TAD, but it’s certainly more believable and less laughable than a horny old man defending his wounded Dixie pride.

The stakes are much higher in this story. Remember in the first movie, when Rusty Nail told Paul Walker and Steve Zahn, (poor, lovable and underappreciated Steve Zahn), to walk into a crowded truck stop diner completely naked or else he’d do something drastic? Oh, MAN! That’s like something a college frat would do! Absolutely TERRIFYING! Well, this time he actually asks things of the characters that not even the ballsiest drunken college dick would be willing to try, even if the big man on campus was watching. Without getting too detailed, for example: Would you cut something off of your body to save someone close to you? Think about it. That SUCKS, right? Talk about a deal breaker! That makes a relationship real awkward real fast. Rusty Nail is playing a twisted game with the teenagers this time around. He wants them to suffer for his own enjoyment, because that’s just the sort of charming dude he is. I want to give you this warning, since I know there are all sorts of different types of horror fans out there: there IS a very graphic torture scene somewhat late into the movie, so if you have a weak constitution for that sort of thing this may not be the horror flick for you.

One of the things I personally loved (that’s right, I said it-“loved”), about this movie, is the way the characters think. These aren’t your average dumbass teenagers getting chased by a psychopath and proceeding to make the most frustrating decisions imaginable. They’re SMART. They actually think things through and try to be inventive. Whether or not their ideas work is up for you to find out, but it’s refreshing to see a movie, with female protagonists no less, in which you DON’T find yourself wanting to yell at the people involved for doing insanely dumb things. You actually sympathize.

I always try not to get too spoilery with my reviews, because the primary intention of this blog is to encourage people to watch these movies. (Except for the one or two here and there that I may HATE. But those are rare.) So I’ll just mention a few more things without ruining them for you. There are some pretty ballsy, extreme things in this movie that really impressed me. Have you ever seen someone be murdered with just the chain from a chainsaw? Not like THIS, you haven’t! Also, if you sit down to watch this movie prepare for a little bit of an emotional shot to the chones because while I consider myself capable of being somewhat heartless sometimes, one or two of the kills made me think “Wow, I can’t believe they went there.” Brutal.

My only issue with the movie, really, is the ending. But I guess it’s tough in Hollywood when you’re writing a direct-to-DVD horror script and you’re expected to please a studio by following certain money-making “rules” for the genre. There’s not a lot of wiggle room for creativity. Horror can only go so far with reinventing the wheel unless you’re working with an indie studio, releasing the thing yourself, etc. I wasn’t expecting a groundbreaking conclusion from this one. I still say it’s worth watching.

This movie gets 4 out of 5 Pints of Blood.