Movie Review: "Final Destination 5"

Despite the lengthy rant that was my previous entry, (though it was partially serious it was mostly for comedic purposes), I really managed to enjoy "FD5." As I mentioned before, I went into it with what I consider to be the proper, maybe even the only appropriate mindset for this franchise: I was in it for the gruesome death sequences. Didn't really expect a complex plot or well developed characters, and didn't get them either. However, the movie totally delivered on the gore and the squirm factor, and it worked really well with the 3D! The opening credit sequence alone was awesome, referenced all four movies before it, and was a cleverly badass, 3D treat.

If I had to put the FD movies in order as far as how much I like them, the first one is still the best. Past that, I think part 2 has the most intense and difficult to watch opening sequence and going forward after that, they pretty much all mesh together into one big bloody lump. A repetitive formula and characters you don't really care about. But fans of mindless horror might just enjoy themselves, and I sure did!

Part 5 is actually pretty good, and makes up for the mess that was part 4. True, a few of the deaths in 4 were cool but aside from that I can't even remember much about it and I haven't bothered to watch again it since the initial viewing in the theater. But you can tell that the filmmakers actually put some effort into this one and wanted to make it a bit more interesting. True, it has one-dimensional characters and sub par actors. (Aside from David Koechner, who's always good, and takes his usual over-the-top performance down several notches in this role. And there's one kid who looks exactly like a young Tom Cruise, which is a bit distracting but that's not his fault.) And of course it begins with the classic "Final Destination" death-o-rama massacre. IS it finally explained why one specific young person always mysteriously has a premonition and saves a small group of his or her peers? DO you really want to know? Personally I did, but I didn't expect some grandiose explanation. (Spoiler alert: One was never offered.)

I won't ruin the deaths for you, but I will say that several of them are pretty awesome. The 3D was used well and I think it was worth it for the enhancement of the camp factor. The actual bridge scene itself was only mildly horrific in my opinion, but certainly with its share of suspense as, unlike with previous films, this group actually had the opportunity to TRY to get away from the disaster as it was happening. A couple of the death scenes throughout the rest of the movie made every single muscle in my body tense up in a massive cringe of utter disgust, which was precisely what I came to the theater for that evening!

Another thing I liked was that they added a brand new element to the whole "Death's formula" thing, which was if you killed someone in your place, you didn't have to die and you cheated the system. This led to conflict within the group that added an additional level of danger to the situation. And, a bit of slasher flick flavor to the movie as well!

Part 5 ties the whole series together nicely and brings everything full circle. Anyone who appreciates these movies for what they are will definitely enjoy it! Four out of Five Pints of Blood for this one.

An Open Letter to the Annoying Teenage Couple That Sat Next to Me at “Final Destination 5”

Let me start out with a disclaimer. I am aware that this "film" is not a complex work of art. This isn't something like "Inception" that requires my rapt attention, lest I lose track of the rich, multi-layered plot or miss out on a line of dialogue so skillfully crafted that my heart explodes. Everyone in the audience that night was there for the same reason: to watch people die in grotesquely violent, graphic and hopefully creative ways. (We got our wish!)

That said, the theater was not full. Our row as well as the rows above and below us had lots of empty seats and I was clearly there alone. Any observant person, (meaning, aware that other people DO in fact exist), may have deduced that I was there solo because I REALLY wanted to see this movie. Not because I just wandered in off the street and decided on a whim to pay $15.50 for a ticket to sit by myself and try to tolerate the likes of folks like you.

I don't know if this was your very first date and you were SUPER EXCITED TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER (OMG!), or perhaps you were both on some sort of psychotropic substance that made you hallucinate and think it was okay to act like an asshole. Either way, a whispered conversation that lasts an hour and a half is still audible enough to be disruptive. I must ask, because I'm DYING to know: why were you even there?

And why did the female in your party leave shortly before the pivotal opening scene on the suspension bridge to go to the snack bar? Have I already solved this mystery by determining that you really had no idea what you were going to see or how the "plot" of these movies works, and that's why you figured that paying thirty bucks for tickets alone was fine simply for a dark place to chat it up? You left just before the scene began and returned shortly after it was over. But DO NOT WORRY! It was awfully sweet of your friend/boyfriend/platonic whatever who was extremely awkward around you the entire night and thus could not shut up, to recount to you every single thing that had just happened in the 5+ minute, action-packed scene as soon as you sat back down. It was like re-living it all over again, only without enjoying it this time! If only the rest of the room could have been so lucky. Those poor sons of bitches, having to move on to the next scene WITHOUT your distracting, animated hand gestures and mediocre narration.

But that wasn't even my favorite part of my movie viewing experience with you two! That honor goes to the guy for the loudest handling of candy wrappers I have ever heard in my life. Not only for impressive volume, but unbelievable DURATION! Just how spastic CAN one be when eating candy? Scientists studying unusual human behavior would have a field day with this kid. We all have that regrettable, brief moment where opening a package of Skittles, M&Ms, etc. is piercing enough to call attention to oneself in the darkness. But most of us do not then spend the next hour roughly jamming our hand into the bag repeatedly as if attempting to pull the guts out of a pumpkin. Were the candy pieces trying to get away from you? Is THAT why you had to shake your appendage around so much? Were those bags actually made out of parchment paper covered in moistened Pop Rocks? The world will sadly never know. What I DO know is, I had an alternative method of eating that candy to offer up to you. It involved me shoveling handfuls of it down your throat with my fist.

The open-mouthed popcorn chomping? That was the icing on the cake, my friend. Props.

Listen, guys. I'm aware that I could have easily gotten up and moved to a different seat. However, why should I have to disturb the lovely middle-aged African American couple to my right who did not make a SOUND for the entire movie?

Perhaps next time you decide to go out to the cinema, you should stick with Netflix instead. That way, completely ignoring the movie you're watching will save you quite a bit of money AND there won't be a girl sitting two seats down plotting your slow, painful demise. Much like Death doesn't like to be cheated out of one of its victims, I do not like to be cheated out of a comfortable movie-going experience. I take back the brief moment in which I gave you props, Sir, for bearing a vague resemblance to Jesse Eisenberg. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

Kisses,

- Stacy.